Three of Wands

  It's 1:00 am and I have such an enormous backlog of things to say. I am so, so tired but I'll do my best. 

 I had my first tarot card reading ever today. Most of my experiences in the past with tarot and other tools of that nature have been in association with people who were very pretentious and unkind, which left me turned off to them. Last spring, however, a friend showed me his collection and after seeing how he used them as a way to better understand himself, I became really intrigued. It seemed to me that I had been wrong about what they should be used for. Rather then predicting the future, they aid in self-psychology. In addition, they seem to be a really amazing medium for artistic inspiration and expression, something that has been painfully lacking in my life.  I've been curious about it ever since, but have not had the opportunity to get a reading until tonight.

The question I posed was something that has been weighting on my mind and my heart quite heavily lately. It was, verbatim, "should I open myself up to a new person, or protect myself?" 

I could have kept the question to myself but chose to say it out loud. I am trying to challenge myself to be more opened with people and life in general. Part of the reason I found myself emotionally dead and in a relationship that should have ended 10 years ago is my reluctance to admit my own needs to myself and to insist on reasonable terms in relationships. I can't do anything about the past, but I am committed to actively changing this by challenging myself to speak my truth. It's terrifying sometimes. 

In this particular instance I had to take a deep breath before speaking the question. All of the other 3 people in the room were well aware of my divorce, but had no idea that there is someone that I am feeling romantically inclined toward. I don't feel a need to share that right now, partly because there is so much about my feelings, this person, and everything surrounding the situation that is unknown, and partly because I don't want anyone telling me that I'm being stupid. I just don't want to hear it. However, asking any other question would have been disingenuous. So I took the risk and went with the thing I really wanted to know. 

I have to say I did not expect to get this much insight out of the experience, but I was really amazed at how much was just spot on. What was really more amazing, though, was the conversation and analysis that happened as a result. More than anything it was the conversation that was so valuable. 

So here are the cards. There were a couple in particular that really stuck out to me. The overall theme and trajectory of the reading seemed to be healing from trauma, forward momentum, reconnection with the creative, and new possibilities. A lot of the cards seemed to say "go for it!" However, there were a couple that threw me for a loop. I guess that is part of the point. To make one think. 

The Two of Swords was reversed in 5th position. Yes, I am feeling a lot of confusion about whether I should allow myself to open up to this person. I am doing the best I can to be as clear and transparent in my communication with him, considering how little I know about him, but I am really afraid of allowing myself to feel anything. Sharing information is one thing, I'm getting better at that. I think the really frightening thing is allowing myself to actually feel my emotions, and then being rejected or finding out that he has a ton of these types of relationships, all over the country. Or ending up being a punching bag for not being who he really wants. Or having him get to know me only to tell me that all of the things that make me who I am, all of the things I value about myself and core elements of myself that I have worked hard to cultivate and defend, are annoying, worthless, and just wrong. Or me becoming so invested in him that I completely forget about myself again. Why would I ever subject myself to any of this? And everything I do to myself I do to my daughter, so why even go there?  I imagine so many possible ways this could go horribly wrong and it makes it so difficult to communicate authentically. I know it is extremely important for me to learn how to state what I am thinking and feeling without fear of judgement and rejection. It is weird how this intense insecurity is not present in any other area of my life.  I want to follow this path and see where it leads, because it is so unusual for me to be overtaken by emotion like this, because I want to feel, I want to understand, and I think at the very, very least there is something very important to be learned here, perhaps for both of us. I am also intensely curious about him as a person, more so than I have been about anyone for a very long time. However, there is a lot to lose and I don't trust my perception of the situation. 

I'm really losing steam but in all, the reading ended on the three of wands. I was told this signifies that there are a few lose ends to tie up before something comes to completion. It is the end of something. This was by far the most perplexing card. The others could easily be applied to other areas of my life - healing from trauma, trying to make sense of a new situation, pessimism and suspicion from an external source, a sparking of creativity that was part of what drew me to this person. The last card, however, was extremely unclear when it comes to my question. Certainly it could be applied to my divorce - I have one more legal hoop to jump through next Thursday and it will be done. I know I will have a final sense of relief when that happens, and feel more freedom to move on with my life. But that was not the thing in question. The divorce is easy. It is the question about opening up to this new person. 

I guess there is no answer. Should I open myself up to being potentially used, lied to, and manipulated? Is this person even capable of seeing me for who I am, or would I just be a disappointment? Why am I still up at 3 am? 

So, despite what might be a dire warning from a tarot card to stop whatever I am doing, I'm going to move forward like an idiot. I'm going to find out what this is all about. Curiosity always wins. I don't know about courage. There's a fine line between that and stupidity. Only time will tell which it is.