Tired of Being Good

 Today I am not working. This is not normal for me. I'm feeling panicky and strange about it. I'll probably do some work later this evening, but for now I'm going to defy my own rules. 

I have to tell you, drinking coffee in the shower at 1:00 pm is the best of the best of solo adulting. Why didn't I think of this earlier? I'm gonna build a little shelf in the shower, just for my coffee. Maybe I'll add some chocolate to my routine. If it gets all melty on my hands, I'll just turn around and wash it off in the shower and then keep eating. Freaking genius. Great ideas like this happen when you don't work for a day. 

I am so tired of being good. I'm tired of feeling like I'm holding up the world. This is not new to women, and it's not unique to me, but I'm stating it anyway. I worked so, so hard to make the divorce happened as painlessly for everyone as humanly possible. I placed my emotions in stasis for a month to give him time to get a solid job and place to stay before he had to move out. I made sure everything was split evenly and he felt included and validated in all decisions. We even paid off his car so he could own it free and clear before we made the financial split. I traded the house for child support - in part because I wanted him to have a new start without feeling weighted down. I knew this would have implications for how he related to our daughter - if he was feeling resentful due to having to provide child support, he would be less patient with her. I want to set them up to have a good relationship. I know I am not supposed to have to do this emotional work for others and take this upon myself, but in this case, the long term gains are worth the short term stresses on me. However, it is done now. All of that is put into place. My work is done, and it's paying off. Everything is copasetic so far. 

I'm feeling restless, but I'm not sure what to do next. I'm looking forward to going back to a more normal work schedule as vaccines are distributed and we (hopefully) get the pandemic under control. Playing the dual role of homeschool mom and the ED of a non profit in a chronically under funded area are wearing me down. I was worn down and fighting burn out before this year started. Now I'm just crawling from one day to another. When she is back in school, hopefully next fall, I'll be able to do my work during the week and will actually have some normal weekends where I don't feel like I'm supposed to be making up for lost time all the time. I also won't have to pay for childcare, and things won't be as tight. I look forward to that. For now it is just all about getting by.