Are you ok?

 It's been a while and a lot has happened. The divorce cake, the complete 2 day emotional crash after the divorce cake, some misadventures with my daughter getting a phone, my refinance finally going through and getting some unexpected financial relief in having my mortgage differed for January. I can finally get some new pants that fit me, and put some away in savings. Work is going alright, and I'm getting ready to talk with the babysitter about having my daughter 5 days a week this semester, rather than 2.5. I've come to the conclusion that it is necessary for me to continue producing the way I need to at work, and protect my mental and emotional health. It is better for her, too, as she gets to be with her friends every day. This is the first time she has had really, truly close friends that felt like family. She is finally, really having a childhood full of the wonder and freedom and discovery that I wanted for her. She has a support system outside of me, which is a very healthy direction. Especially as she works through her feelings about the divorce and my role in it. 

The big news, though, is a new relationship that has sprung up unexpectedly. I am totally overwhelmed and at a loss for how to even explain it. The crush that was a catalyst for exploring my feelings back in the summer somehow, against all odds, developed into a relationship that feels incredibly right, challenging, exciting, and terrifying all at once. I'm still a bit in disbelief that either of us have been able to take this leap but my god, I am amazed and endlessly fascinated and inspired by this person. I don't even know where to start. 

He has been ever present in my mind since the summer, almost like a constant passenger in my thoughts. His presence was marked by the most peculiar feeling of warmth and expansion of my heart. I don't know how else to describe it, and it always surprised me. In November, just before Thanksgiving, I was going through some of the last steps in the divorce and was doing less well than I would like to admit. I was emotionally and physically strained and trying to hold it together for the holidays, for my daughter, and a visit from my sister. I was frustrated by my attachment to this person and taking it as a sign that I was just emotionally unstable. I made a snap decision to block him on social media, thinking it would help me rid my thoughts of him and he would not notice. Neither one of these was the case, and in a weak moment I checked in on his blog and saw that he had been affected by it. I was sick for 2 days over this, trying to figure out if I should just walk away, apologize, what kind of apology would be meaningful, what wouldn't sound crazy, etc. In another snap decision I sat down one night and wrote a message just explaining the whole thing, my feelings for him, my feelings about my feelings, and trying to reassure him that I was not asking anything of him, that I just wanted him to know how I felt. To my surprise, he responded that he was actually interested in me and that he would like to meet. That floored me, because I did not expect that he was interested and certainly did not expect that he would want to meet. 

There was about a month of what I would characterize as fairly tense communication about meeting over Christmas weekend. He was working through a lot of intense feelings about a past relationship, and I was working through a lot of insecurity, lack of trust in myself and my own judgement, and the unconventional nature of our meeting. I did not discuss it with anyone for fear that they would talk me out of it or tell me I was being stupid. I just did not want to hear it. 

It turned out to be one of the most incredible 48 hours I have ever experienced. I'm not even going to go into detail here but an incredible afternoon of hiking and conversation turned into a conversation where we constructed all kinds of boundaries that we then tore down with a hug that led to a kiss that led to the most amazing kiss that led to the most amazing sleepless night. Unbelievable. More later.