Reflections on what is done

 

I took my wedding ring off shortly after Thanksgiving of last year. I placed it back into it's original box with the engagement ring, which I placed in a box with my father's ashes. It seemed odd, but was the best I could think of at the time. It's now been 2.5 months, and I can still see a faint imprint of the ring on my finger. It annoys me a little bit because I want it to be done with. I have to wonder how long it will be there. 

I have come to accept that there will be some continued grief for what could have been, even though I don't in any way miss what was and I have zero desire for a future with him. Life is easier in many ways, and I appreciate that. I don't miss the person, our relationship was so depleted for so long toward the end that much of the letting go had already happened. I do sometimes look back with fondness and a tiny bit of nostalgia on our friendship, which was so easy and seamless in the early years. But I don't wish for it back, because those times are gone. I am not the same person. I don't want any of that back.

What I wish for is for him to move on gracefully and find happiness with someone more suited to him. I wish for he and my daughter to have a positive relationship where they enjoy each other's company and he can be the engaged, caring father figure that she needs. I want to maintain a friendly co-parenting partnership with him, but nothing more. It's not that I don't care about him, I do. I just need to be free of him and he will not face reality or move on unless I am largely out of the picture. 

I see much of these wishes coming to fruition, and I am glad of that and hopeful that it will continue. He calls her at least 4x per week, wanting to talk with her and check in. She looks forward to his calls. He seems to look forward to their weekends together and plans fun things for them to do. She runs to him and hugs him, and he says "I love you" without prompting. She seems to be happy with their relationship, even though I know she still wishes for us to be a family unit, living in the same house. Kids always want their parents to be happy and in love. It's just not possible sometimes. He told me recently that he had signed up for a dating service, and I was so relieved to hear that. Not only is it good for him and relieves some emotional pressure from me, but it will be really good for our daughter. She worries about him being lonely. I worry that he plays into it to get sympathy from her. I can explain to him that he needs to be the adult and not put her in a caretaking position, and I can explain to her that he is going to be fine, but the dynamic still exists, and that is something that I do not have control over. 

I really believe that the fact that I have asked very little of him has contributed to his being more comfortable with the arrangement. Is it in any way equal? Absolutely not, and it never will be. It would be foolish to expect that. I am the legal guardian, and I have full custody. I pay all expenses and did not ask for any child support. He wouldn't have given it anyway. I have her 80% of the time, and I am totally fine with that because I want to have her with me. Even with these considerations, the situation is still more equilateral and preferable to what we had before. 

So why the grieving? Why do I still feel an ache in my heart when I think of our divided house, the back and fourth of "going to see dad", the sudden vast distance between me and his family, who are going through their own grieving process? The fact is the situation is just sad, and I am the one who initiated it. I am glad that I did, I am relieved to be moving on, and I am 100% confident that it was the right decision, but nevertheless it is sad. It is only human that I would feel it. It's best not to seek an explanation or rationalize it. It just is, and it is going to be for a long time. I accept that.