Boundaries are a Bitch

 Today I set a boundary that I have been dreading for a long time. I've been thinking about it, brooding over it, worrying about it, literally for months. A friend of mine, who also happens to be a contributor to the organization I run, has been getting more physical with me since he learned of my and P.'s relationship. He has been stepping uncomfortably close to me in conversation, touching me on the arms and shoulders frequently, and assuming a stance when we are together that would make us appear as a couple. I don't know how else to describe it. This has happened both while we were alone, and in public. I have been stepping away and putting distance between us the past few times I have seen him, but it hasn't made a difference. Thinking back, some of this had happened in the past, but it was never this bad or this obvious. It makes me angry. Does he think that I am suddenly available, simply because I am divorced? Is he asserting some kind of territorial instincts? I am not territory or a possession, and this type of thing really pisses me off. 

He finally asked today if I was "ok" and if something was wrong, when I made a particularly exaggerated step back. We were on a hike, with other people, so I could not address it there. He also drove with these people, so I could not catch him afterward and talk with him, as I had planned. I had to write him an email, which to me feels like a cop out. 

In the email I felt the need to be apologetic, so as to preemptively smooth his ego so that I would not get an angry, defensive reaction. I know that in a perfect world, I would feel comfortable and justified in simply stating the problem, specifying the behavior I was having trouble with, stating the effect it has on me, and proposing a solution. I would not need to lead into it, apologize, over-explain, or any of that. However, I felt this would be threatening and shocking. I would have to deal with the fall-out. There is no way around that. 

It was interesting because as we were hiking, I was telling him about a friend's ongoing discussions with her lawyer about her divorce, and how his advice to her was to make herself seem as unthreatening as possible so the judge would treat her fairly. It isn't that she was asking for anything outlandish, it is that the lawyer knows the local judges, and he knows that they take a defensive position to women who they perceive to be "aggressive". When a woman as painted this way, she is much less likely to get anything she is asking for, such as child support, custody, or any kind of equal contributions from the man. Essentially, she has to ask for much less than she thinks she needs, roll over and show her belly, and hope that her small requests don't trigger a defensive reaction in either the judge or the husband. He pointed out how unjust this is. And yet here I am, feeling the need to do the same thing. 

How do I break free of these behaviors and set a good example for my daughter if I feel I have to continue them? How do I honor myself as I renegotiate some of the boundaries that I have been most afraid to enforce? 

I am making my way out of a lifetime of pretty extreme difficulty with boundaries. Maybe this is a small first step, and I need to be patient with myself. It may not be perfect but at least it is done.