Sharks & small miracles

Sharks

I woke straight up out of bed at 5:30 am this morning. It is 5:49 now. I was actually awake much earlier, but trying to get back to sleep. I guess I gave up at 5:30. I have been waking up early for the past few weeks, unable to go back to sleep. Part of this might be the sun coming through the window much earlier than before. Another part of it might be a sense of urgency due to some time I am taking off this month and in July to go on a trip to Glacier National Park with P. I am really looking forward to that - that's an understatement - but this is the first time I have taken a vacation that is not linked to my mother and/or sister in about 15 years or so... maybe even longer. I have not been to Glacier since 1998, when a friend of mine and I took a 3 week road trip in a van and ended up out there. I've been wanting to get back ever since. I miss P. like crazy every single day and I can't wait to have a real stretch of time with him, where we can get to know each other better. I'm also nervous about it, since it will be the longest time I will have ever been away from my daughter. I'm getting sidetracked. The thing that got me up out of bed at 5:30 and compelled me to write when I have a shit ton of things to clean in the house and tons of work that I should be doing, instead of blogging, is a dream that I had. 

In the dream, which was much more involved than I will be able to convey here or even remember, I had some kind of a volunteer role at an aquarium/botanical garden. Similar to the ASDM, which I visited with my mother and daughter this past weekend. This one was not so focused on native desert species, it was more of a hodgpodge of whatever they could get from wherever. I had donated some money, and as a result they had asked me to take on the responsibility of bringing on a new ocean creature. This creature was to be determined by them casting a net into the ocean and pulling out whatever they could get. The result was to be the featured animal that would attract throngs of people and make the place famous. 

I waited at the museum, attempting to run irrigation line to various plants as I waited. The irrigation line was fairly simple, but I was second guessing myself and unable to get answers out of anyone as to what the plan was for the plantings. I believe all the others working on this were volunteers as well, and had been given small pieces of information about what they were supposed to do, but no one knew what the overall vision was. 

The team came back from the ocean with a hammer-head shark. It was a small one, only about 5 feet long. They gave me a shopping list, with a great sense of urgency, and told me to get a bunch of things for it that were necessary to it's survival. They placed it in a small tank, about the size of a coffin. I ran around trying to gather the things - chemicals for the water that were necessary for it to breath, food, more supplies for the plants that were somehow related, and other random things. I could not find everything, the places I was purchasing from were slow, I did not know what some of the things were. When I arrived back I found one other volunteer, who may have been a cross between my ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend, tending to the shark. He informed me that the shark was not doing well, it was lethargic and it's skin seemed to be pealing. I told him we needed to get a vet, but he insisted that we were supposed to take care of it ourselves. After all, this was my shark. I went down into a basement, and noticed that the shark's tank was larger than I thought, most of it was underground. There was a window where I could observe it. I was extremely worried and managed to find a member of the staff. He explained that the shark was not getting enough exercise. In it's old tank (which was weird, I thought it came from the wild) it had friends, more space, and an exercise program. In it's new tank it was completely alone and had no program. I asked if they could institute an exercise program and he hemmed and hawed and did not answer. He said it was my responsibility. I had never signed up for any of this. 

I decided that we were going to move the shark to a different facility so it could get more exercise. While we were moving the coffin-like temporary tank, at night, with no professional staff around, it broke and the water spilled out. I asked one of the more seasoned volunteers to call the vet, and he had no idea what the number was. He called someone on staff, but no one was even sure if they had their own vet. I was angry at this point because any place that is keeping animals should have access to a vet and some kind of plan in place to make sure the vet can be reached. I was extremely worried at this point because the shark was without water, I was totally responsible for it, and I was ill equipped to be making any of the decisions for it's welfare. 

There was no resolution to this dream, I think at this point I just woke up feeling like I needed to write it down. As I sat down on the couch to write I sat on a book (not uncommon in a house full of kids), picked it up, and noticed it was a kid's book about sharks. It is pictured above. Weird. 

Small Miracles

An unrelated small miracle happened last night that I also feel compelled to capture before it gets away. My daughter was having trouble sleeping so she came in my room to lie down. I was on the phone so I finished the conversation and came back to talk with her about it and fold cloths. Her insomnia was due to a "weird feeling" that she was having trouble placing. I asked her if it was due to us having a weekend away, since we had just been in Tucson visiting my mother. She did not know. I asked if she gets the same feeling when she is away visiting her father. She said no, and then she said "because of the way he looks at me, I always feel safe. When he looks at me that way I know he loves me, and it makes me happy because for a long time I really felt like he didn't love me." Shit. I almost cried right there. I told her how happy I was to hear that, and how wonderful that is. For a long time, years in fact, she was telling me that she truly believed that he didn't love her. I tried to explain to her that he did, despite his dismissive behavior toward her, but she was never convinced. She's a smart one. She would say "I know what I see. You can tell me that he loves me but I can see in his eyes that he doesn't." It is amazing, how the divorce has repaired their relationship. Or rather, it has given them space for a relationship that they never had before. It has given her the father she wanted, in a way.