Early Afternoon Tumbling Thoughts: 2020

 

I started a post on the camping trip but realized all of my photos are on my phone, and of course my icloud is full and it takes forever to send photos to myself and then delete, so I decided to bite the bullet and just figure out how to get them off icloud and on to my computer. 5 hours of this and I am in the middle of 2020. Sheesh what a year. It's weird to see everything unfold over the months. I can see the dissolution of my marriage on our faces. I can see the sadness and loneliness on my daughter's, and how she tried to feign happiness on her birthday and other occasions. My documentation of events and collection of memes increased drastically over the summer as I spent more time online trying to connect with the outside world and hide from my increasing realization that my marriage wasn't working. It's crazy to see some of the weird ass drunk selfies I was taking (I'm not sure why) and how much my weight and my bad habits were out of control in the months leading up to the hospital visit. Weird to see my daughter's homemade mask and makeshift gloves in the hospital - there was a shortage and people were just putting PPE together with anything they had. 

There are photos subtly chronicling the decision to divorce my ex husband in among school projects, mountain trips that were actually last ditch efforts to try to bring everyone together, and the evolution of our relationship with the covid pod. 

I'm experiencing a lot of guilt around the divorce. I hear my ex husband's voice saying "you've been over this a million times. I thought I told you to get over it." Not sure why I would channel him to have that conversation with myself, maybe because he did say something like that at one point, regarding my father's death. I know better now, though. The guilt is going to come back and it is going to be around for a while. I don't like hurting people, so naturally it has an impact when I do. It is hard to see it on their faces, especially my daughter. She still doesn't understand, but she has stopped asking. There was Halloween, which was epic but sad because A. 's father had just moved out. There was the short video of her blowing dandelion fluff and wishing for something harder than she has ever wished before. I know what it was - it was for the news not to be true. 

There was the visit from my sister and her girls which was fun but secretly I was in a lot of pain and trying to tell P. why I had blocked him and wondering how to do it, worried that he would think I was crazy. There are photos of my bookshelf I had sent to him and asked him to send me pictures of his. I love looking at people's book collections. Those were some of the tentative, early conversations. 

Then there is Christmas, the obligatory cat in a tree photo, and the Uwaki Gomen Cat I photographed when I started the blog. Masked and socially distanced fundraisers, strange homemade crafts, and a selfie I took of the Sun Ra building that I intended to send to P. but did not because I didn't think it was good enough. More of A.'s strange projects, some truly depressing lunches, homemade haircuts, and more terrible food choices on my part. My desire to cook and feed myself had bottomed out approaching Christmas. Still we kept up with the crafts, the kids sang carols outside of the senior center as residents peered out their windows, and the forts became increasingly elaborate. 

I scraped together enough energy to put up a scant few Christmas decorations outside the house, mostly to try to keep some sense of normalcy for A. Not long afterward I photographed them and realized that I had created a giant sperm. Well hell, that was the best I could do. I sent the picture to P. on December 24th. I was still not sure he would show up, and then he did the next day. I opened the door to see him on the front porch, guarded and looking a bit like a hurt animal. 

Next there is a Raven and a cactus, and that is all I documented of our first meeting on December 25th even though we had an amazing hike up to Snow Flats. I was preoccupied. The 26th and 27th were visits to Coal Creek and another place I don't remember. He later sent me a photo he took of us together and a beautiful sunset that he said reminded him of kissing me. I was glad he took the photo of us, I was not in the habit of taking couple's selfies, and honestly, neither of us really knew what we were. At that time, I was just flummoxed by the intensity of my feelings and grateful for every moment, just taking each one as it came. 

Then there was some witchy pictures of the pod, the first of what would be many river fires in the coming year, and my and A's New Year camping in the backyard. I can see on my face that something big had happened, something had shifted and had been put into place.