Moving On

 

I wondered at one point why I don't deep clean. The answer is because I always move before it is necessary. When I moved to my current location I silently promised myself this would be the last move for a long, long time. Here I am, almost exactly 4 years later, collecting boxes and making preparations for another move. Well at least I made it 4 years this time. For a while there it was every 2 years. 

P. says I am a challenge for my daughter because I love change, I love travel, I love to keep moving. She wants stability, she has told me more than one time that she does not do well with change. I'm sorry, little one. I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to stay in one place. 

This time is different, though. In the past a move has been a cause for relief, maybe at leaving an old situation that felt stale or unmanageable. I was leaving something bad for something better. This time I am having a lot of "what the fuck am I doing" moments. I am grieving the loss of this beautiful place, the few brave, trailblazing souls who force a life out of an uninhabitable social environment, and the small community I was able to build at my workplace and with our Covid pod. In the past I have been sure that the places I was leaving would be just fine without me. This one I'm not so sure. I tried very hard to build a sustainable organization that could withstand the inevitable change in personnel that happens, but so much has had to come down to force of personality. It's almost like I didn't have a choice, it had to happen that way. Too many people are saying that they are there because of me, and I know that is not what you want as a leader. I'm afraid they will leave without a good transition plan. This is not ego stroking. If anything it shows a less than perfect or incomplete job on my part, and I am uncomfortable with that. 

I regret leaving the community, despite my frustrations with the close-mindedness and cultish attitudes. I feel like I had more work I could have done here. There were relationships I was only starting to crack open. 

Regardless, I know this is the right decision. When I lined up the 2 options and listed the pros and cons they were nearly equal, but the new opportunity points to the future, where the current option keeps me rooted in the past. My house does not feel like my house ever since the divorce. A. and I spend all of our time at the covid pod house, and this one sits almost nearly empty, filled with artifacts of my old life. I know it is not good for me to stay here. I feel the drag of stagnation at my work, the settling into a maintenance/survival cycle that I find less than inspiring. I am fighting a creeping depression that makes me dread getting up in the morning, even though I love the place and people. The new job presents new challenges, and I feel I can be more effective at creating an instrument for social change. I will get a chance to shed all of the trappings of my married life, which is a bittersweet process but necessary. I am really excited to be closer to P., although we are both trying to be very good and not make any drastic moves for each other, at least for a while. 

Still, right now I am honoring this place and my feelings by simply feeling them and allowing them to be. Forgive me, I'm new at this.