No Apologies...?

 I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR HOW MANY BLOG POSTS I PUT UP TODAY! I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT! 

Because the whole point of this is for me to assert that I have the right to put my thoughts out there - as much right as anyone else. Besides, most likely it won't be read by more than one person until after I die, if that. Maybe A will find it and be like "yep, mom was crazy. That explains a lot." 

I have been reflecting on my divorce a lot today. Part if it is that everyone around me seems to be getting divorced. I was briefly visited by the thought that I had caused it by making it look fun, suddenly running around the country with a mysterious boyfriend having a blast. But then I realized that was a really narcistic thing to think. Seriously? I don't have the influence to make that happen, thank god. I think it is a combination of middle age and the stress of the last year just breaking so many couples. Still, it's disturbing to see, and there are more on the way. All too often I see photos of family trips, celebrations, and adventures with the husband or male partner oddly absent. I'm sorry for them. All of them. I wish them better times ahead. I also feel a sense of relief when I see couples honestly enjoying their time together. A lot of the times you can tell this from the phony couple's schtuff. I like seeing people honor each other. It gives me hope. So there is that. I'm not sorry for causing mass divorce. 

I'm not sorry that I left my ex husband. I am sorry for the pain that was created in the wake, for him, for my daughter, for his family, for my family. I'm sorry for how cold it must have looked. I had to draw boundaries or risk it getting messier. I'm sorry for the years of untangling that are ahead. I'm sorry that his hair is falling out. But I am responsible only for myself. I could not make him happy in the life we had, I could not go back and be someone I was 15 years ago. 

I am a bit worried about the job change and move. I wonder if, with as horrible as I feel right now, I am going to be able to handle this. I have not worried for a long time about whether I could handle something or not. I have lost some of my ability to force myself to do totally exhausting things. I'm grappling with a new normal, some of which is the result of intense burn-out. I'm not going to be sorry for this. Everyone has the right to draw and revise their boundaries as they need to. 

I am sorry to my daughter for uprooting her. I can't see living life according to what makes her comfortable, though. That is so narrow and specific that would never do anything. I can't live like that. 

Am I sorry for the suicidal thoughts and ideas...? I don't know. I'm not sure why they are back, honestly. I thought we were done. I'm perplexed and disappointed but not sorry - that doesn't seem relevant. 

I'm sorry to all the unrealized dreams. I need to let you go. 

That's it for now.