Light illuminating rain

 

The photo above is from July, 2020. It's another photo I took for P., not thinking he would ever see it or if he did, he would not know it was for him. I was not trying to reach out to him, or establish a relationship, although I certainly did have an intense crush on him that I found confusing and disturbing. More then that, however, was that I knew that he liked Mt. Graham, enjoyed pictures of it, and thought he would love this view coming south on 191 toward the mountain as the sunshine illuminated the rain. It was really the excitement of sharing something with someone who you know will appreciate it. I am not even sure if I posted this on FB or not, and there is a chance that he never even saw it that summer. 

One of the great sources of comfort, profound astonishment, exhilaration, and joy has been falling in love with P and letting the experience open me and challenge me in ways I could never have predicted. I am incredibly grateful for the unlikely circumstances that brought us together at a time when we each had just barely enough trust and courage to overcome our fears and meet. We have been creative in finding ways around the distance and constraints on our time and obligations. Our time together feels like another world where just the 2 of us exist. I am constantly floored with how sacred and transcendent our physical connection feels. All of my fears just melt away when I am in his presence. We have a powerful effect on each other. There are times when we are gazing into each other's eyes and the intensity of it brings me to tears. 

The flip side is that being apart is really difficult, even for 2 fairly independent people who need a lot of space. I count the days in between our visits. I have trouble concentrating thinking of seeing him again. I have an increasing desire to bring my two worlds together more. I am frightened by the idea of rushing too fast into a co-living situation, or the idea of him leaving his job for a situation he would not be happy with. 

Last time we were together we did a tarot reading. One of the strong recommendations that came out of it was to let go of trying to control or predict the situation, enjoy our time together, and let it unfold at it's own pace. I think this is great advice, even though it is difficult for me, since I derive a lot of comfort in planning. I think I can do this, though. I think I can devote myself to reveling in our time together and honoring the amazing relationship we have. I'll make it a goal to let go and enjoy the ride. No entendre intended. 

I don't know what is ahead, but I am eternally grateful for this amazing, brave, audacious, thoughtful, brash, restrained, impulsive, brilliant, tormented, sensitive, painfully realistic and heartbreakingly optimistic person who has appeared in my life and this mysterious effect on me. All I know is that I want to wake up with him. I want to garden with him, I want to be there when he is exhausted and needs comfort. I want to stand next to him in the kitchen making coffee in the morning. I want to know everything about him. I want to feel his skin next to mine while I am sleeping and read in silence with him on stormy evenings.  

I don't know what form all this will take, but  whatever it is, I'm up for it.