Wondering why

 I don't know why I remembered this while doing the dishes. I once had a doctor reach under my shirt and grab my boob. He was not giving me a breast exam. I was at the plasma clinic and he was doing a basic physical to see if I was fit to give plasma. That has nothing to do with my boobs. My first reaction was to freeze and ask myself if he had actually done that, or whether it was my imagination. I could not answer that question for myself so I just tried to brush the incident off. I told myself that if I had been wearing a bra like I should have, he would not have done that. I gave plasma, went home, and curled up on the couch, crying and shaking. I did not know why I was crying and shaking, and I told myself I was overreacting. I remember feeling so cold. I was 18. 

Since then I filed it away as normal, I guess. I have normalized incidences like this by telling myself that it was not that big of a deal, he just grabbed a boob, it didn't actually hurt me, every woman has things like this happen, it could have been worse. What I am realizing now is that when I normalize it for myself, I perpetuate it being normal for those around me. I can't go back and fix it, I can't stop him from violating other women, but I can tell myself that it is not normal, it is not a minor incident, it is worth crying over because it is wrong. When I accept this for myself, it better prepares me to respond to other women in my life. It helps me live a better example for my daughter. 

I'm sorry, 18 year old Melanie, that I couldn't protect you. I'll do better.