Endings and Beginnings and Endings and Beginnings

I am going to try to post something every day for a while. No self-judgement, just taking my space. I also realized that I have really missed an opportunity during the pandemic to chronicle the experience. Maybe I'll start here, in a way. 

In terms of my personal life, Covid-19 aside, it has been 6 months of constant change, uncertainty, rolling with so many punches, reacting, backtracking, changing perspective, resorting to plans B, then C, then D, challenging my own beliefs, relationships, understanding of the world, motivations, and the list seems to go on and on. I am trying to pay close attention to all of this. I tend to look at each issue as not a big deal, I should be able to handle this, but it piles up. I have taken on too much once again while thinking I had it under control. I just keep doing this. I am at what should be the end of it now, but it does not feel like the end. Or maybe it's ending with a bang. 

I am at the tail end of the personal reorganization. A few weeks ago I moved into a rental house in Phoenix with my daughter. I have nearly closed out my work with my previous employer, although things did not go as well as I had hoped. I had less to give than I had hoped. I did not do as much as I wanted to. But it is nearly done. I've started the new job and my daughter starts her new school tomorrow, after 2 days of issues trying to get her enrolled. More things I could have done better or sooner, but didn't see coming. There were a lot of roadblocks and unexpected complications that made it feel as though something was keeping me from my goals, but it is almost done. 

Even though there is real progress, it comes at a time when we are facing the largest Covid-19 wave so far. Over 1 million people tested positive today in the United States alone, and of course the actual number of people is larger. The spike is unprecedented and the curve is going straight up. It looks terrible nationally, and Arizona is never far behind the national trend. Some schools are starting to shut down, although I don't think we will see the widespread shut downs that we saw early in the pandemic. My place of work has gone remote again, and although I am relieved at this news I am also disappointed. I was looking forward to the structure that an office setting provides and being in an environment where the standards are higher. It would have been good for me mentally, I think. However it would not have been good for my colleagues physically, since I am probably the biggest vector in the workplace with my child in public school. It is bad enough that I have to have her there. 

There is a darkness and sadness that seems to be present everywhere, in a way that is hard to define. It is like everyone is just shutting their eyes and putting their heads down to get through this. There is almost a PTSD feeling about it. Even though we have done this before several times now and we have a template, it is still painful. 

I think the worst part of all of this is that I have to have my daughter in school. We are both vaccinated, of course, but there are still breakthrough cases. I don't want her to get sick, even if it isn't serious, I feel terrible exposing her to it. I wish I could homeschool her, but that was not good for her. I wish the pod had not broken apart and become toxic. It was a refuge for a while. 

One big cycle, 6 months of job changes, selling of the house, tumultuous interactions and broken trust with the Covid pod, and the most emotionally difficult move I have ever embarked on, is ending. The ending is dragging a bit with a few last big barriers thrown in, but it is nearly done. At the same time this new Coronavirus cycle begins, requiring me to re-envision all of my plans for this spring and turn on a dime. I am normally good at this, but not so much today. It just feels like too much and my mind is rebelling by shutting down. 

Things will get better. I will get back into a rhythm with my work and my productivity and memory will improve. My daughter will most likely find that her new school and after care are not so bad. She'll soften up and make friends. The spike will go down, and hopefully result in more immunizations and fewer such spikes in the future. I just need to be patient.